We are all compassionate about some cause, person or thing. My wife and I have a shared compassion for marriages so when we are contacted for a marriage coaching session we get excited about what God is about to do through us in the life of the family who has the desire to reach out to us.
Marriages often suffer a long and antagonizing journey that survives close to the edge of destruction until the husband or wife becomes so frustrated a decision is made that pushes the other spouse over the edge. It is written in Proverbs 25:24 ~ It is better to dwell in a corner of a housetop, than in a house shared with a contentious woman. When I first read this statement I thought, ‘That is so true. But who wants to live in a corner of a housetop? You don’t even get the whole house top, just a corner?’
On the surface it appears that this proverb is stating that we should find a space, out of earshot, and just tolerate what the spouse is going through. I would ask that you consider the following: What has happened in the house to cause the consistently heated arguments? This is the first step in helping me help you get out of your way. Are you living in a contentious or argumentative relationship with your spouse?
You can identify what it is you do not like about your spouse because it makes you uncomfortable, and there is little doubt that you share with him/her what it is that causes the inner conflict. When there are many seemingly small adjustable components of a spouse’s personality that go unadjusted each one becomes a brick in the wall of marital separation. You haven’t moved to the roof corner but you’re headed that direction.
There is scripture that is available to keep us from adding bricks to the wall of separation in our marriage if they are established as tools used in marriage. Matthew 18:15-17 applies to Christ-like relationships and it may also be applied to your marriage to prevent the placement of bricks in the wall of separation in your marriage.
When we experience moments that unsettle our spirit because of something our spouse does or says we can activate Matthew 18:15 ~ Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. For most spouses this first part is easy because we want that unsettled spirit to be calmed so we share with our spouse what the inner conflict is. This is a cry to your spouse for them to help you. It is sometimes looked upon as you trying to change them but you are really saying, “Help me!” The last sentence in this scripture may be translated as, ‘If your spouse hears you, you have gained your spouse.’ If you have gained your spouse on just one inner confliction you have prevented one brick from being placed in the wall of separation.
Unfortunately, many times the call for conflict resolution goes unanswered or takes longer than desired. You try and try again to resolve the issue and it seems as though nothing happens to help the situation so you apply a layer of mortar to set the next brick. You think about getting some help but you think to yourself, “I don’t want anybody to know my business.” Such thoughts are completely in conflict with God’s word where the resolution of conflict is concerned. Matthew 18:16 ~ But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. Now the key in this verse is that both you and your spouse must be willing participants in order to maximize the results of marriage coaching. It is also important to ensure that you, as a follower of Christ are seeking the Godly counsel of marriage coaches who know and understand the word of God and how it should be applied to marriage between a husband and a wife. Every time a brick is added to the wall it becomes much harder to communicate with the spouse God has given you. It’s not about telling “your business,” it’s about getting help for you and your spouse. What you are saying is, “Help me help you” understand what I am going through.
Get Out Of Your Way
This last portion is not for the faint at heart, and to be honest, it is hard for those who don’t truly have a relationship with Father to understand. You have to approach this with the understanding that passivity and Christianity don’t mix. This whole process is founded on biblical principles and love (God) should be at the center of it all. 1 John 4:8 ~ He who does not love does not know God, for God is love. When we address every brick that is or could become a part of the wall of separation we have to keep God first. What this principle does is relieve you of the burden of feeling rejected because when you act according to God’s word, it is not you they are rejecting, it is God.
This last scripture will take prayer and fasting so that you are truly lead of the Holy Spirit as to how you respond. Matthew 18:17 ~ And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector. We are speaking of marriage so we have to look at how Jesus treated the heathen and the tax collector. What we read in the Bible is that Jesus associated with heathens and tax collectors with the love of our Father in his heart. By doing so he won many souls for the kingdom of the Father. Remember that you live under the free gift of grace and you are expected to extend grace just as Jesus did. If your spouse refuses to change and has not committed adultery or violent acts against you, there is no biblical reason for separation of divorce. Continue to pray that the two of you will seek Godly advice to begin to remove the bricks in the wall of separation.
If you would like assistance with removing the bricks from the wall of separation in your marriage, we are here to coach you and your spouse through the process. Take a look at our new Testimonials page to see what people are saying. Contact us today, we can help.